What does it take for us to feel fulfilled in our marriage

January 2022 Article by Christine H:

What does it take for us to feel fulfilled in our marriage relationships; to feel complete and content?

What does it take for us to be “plain old happy”? How can we find, and keep, JOY in our marriages?

I don’t know about you, but for me, it was easy. Once I got out of my own way that is! Take a walk with me if you will; you just may recognize yourself on a similar path.

My husband Tim and I were high school sweethearts who went separate ways for MANY years before reuniting 13 years ago. We were ecstatic at being together and we faithfully believe that we are truly meant for each other. We have been married now for nearly 12 wonderful years.

Wait. Hold up! Did I just say WONDERFUL years??? I did! Wow! Would you look at that!

I mean it. Sincerely. A few years ago, I would not have used that exact word, but today is a different story. A few years ago, my marriage almost ended, for various reasons. I contributed to the near demise of my marriage in a major way. I was selfish, and self-absorbed. I could not focus on what was happening to my marriage because I was too focused on what I perceived was happening (or wasn’t happening) to ME. And, in all honesty, I was sitting in the errant thought that it must be mostly his fault that we were ending because I felt that he didn’t love me the way he “should”. After all, the Bible tells us that “husbands should love their wives as Jesus loved the church”. (Ephesians 5:25) I was self-righteous.

Guess what? Ephesians 5:33 also states, “…each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. Oops. That one was on me. Seemed I wasn’t doing my part either. That was then. This is now.

My husband does more than his fair share. He hasn’t stopped moving in…weeks? Or months? More likely years, but, I trust you get my point.

He fights through his own aches and pains, and goes to work every day to provide everything the 3 of us need. He busts his behind every day to make sure we are actually happy. He understands having a wife that fights harsh, chronic pain each day means I can’t always do MY fair share. He works all day, comes home and immediately works on whatever needs attention. He makes sure to keep up on homework tied to his classes to earn his HVAC Certification.

At times, I have resented the fact that he is ALWAYS doing. Doing this, doing that. That he never sits down until way after dark. I felt like I was being left alone; that I wasn’t getting enough attention. Not like I wanted anyway. Or so I thought. The thing I’ve learned is that he IS paying attention to me. That’s why he does it. I have learned through pausing and praying, that it’s how he loves. And it couldn’t be more complete. And I’ve learned that if I’m struggling, having a flare of fibromyalgia, or am feeling emotional or unsettled for any reason, that all I need to do is tell him that I need him to stop “doing” for a bit and he will. Then, once I’m good, he’ll get back to loving me, and our family, in the best way. I took him for granted. I was selfish. Still do and still am sometimes. But, we are solid, and we have a wonderful marriage. It is full of JOY, and I have learned to be happy, fulfilled, and amazingly loved, in his busyness.

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The Diceman's one simple thing you can do that will almost guarantee you won't divorce

October 2021 Article:

Here's are the statistics: 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 78 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Oh, and the research also says that 50% of Christians who are married get a divorce, too. (This is so sad, but true.)


But what if you knew about one simple thing that can completely reverse the trend? Would you do it?

Here it is...


Less than 1 percent of couples who pray together daily end their marriages. The numbers are 1 out of every 1013 couples, which is waaaay below 1 percent. That is so amazing when you think about it.


By the way, as a guy, I know this can be hard. You don't feel like you are "spiritual enough" and praying out loud can feel awkward. But, trust me, you can do this. It doesn't need to be a fancy prayer.


Just grab her hand once a day and say about prayer. You will get better and it will get easier.

I like your chances when you apply this once simple thing to your marriage.


Thanks for reading.


Diceman


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But God...


December 2019 Article:

By Christine H.

December 31, 2018. My husband and I went to our church’s New Year’s Eve night of prayer. It was the first time we had ever taken part; now that the little ones weren’t so little, it was a lot easier.

I knew it would be good for me. And it was. But there came a point when our pastor was praying over the individuals and the couples in attendance that my husband and I were called upon for our turn. In the middle of our “couple” prayer, Pastor said he prayed for open lines of communication for us, and that we would go on to “help save marriages”.

I have been with this Pastor, in this church, for years. I know him to receive prophetic word from God. I have never doubted what I’ve heard. Until that moment.

I thought, wow. He is so far off with this one. How could this be? You see, my husband and I were quickly sliding a very slippery slope, and I had no confidence in us making it.

Let me take you back further. We had been married nearly 9 years at that time. We married on January 15, 2010. We had been high school sweethearts that, due to “life”, had gone our separate ways before reuniting in 2009.

Let me take you back further. We married on January 15, 2010. Our son was conceived not long after we were married, and for a few years, things were great.  The world has a way of getting at us. All of us. The stress of a blended family. Little ones. Work issues. Family issues. It all adds up, and we fell victim.

We stopped focusing on what was important. We let all that “world” use us. We gave into the things about our personalities that allowed us to drift the way we did. He used words as weapons; I am an emotional, insecure person, and that tore me down. As he knew it would. I am the queen of withdrawal, and used that as a weapon, and that tore him down like I knew it would. And so it went. We didn’t talk much. We were angry and resentful. I resented that he didn’t love me the way I needed or wanted. He felt the same. Looking back, we never communicated efficiently to the other what is was that we needed. We cloaked ourselves in bitterness. Hurt. Anger. Always insisting on being heard, but never willing to HEAR.

We never prayed. TOGETHER.

After 2 years of this, I came to my breaking point. I COMPLETELY withdrew. I was done. I had lost who I was over those 7 or so years and had rebuilt myself in those last few months; I was going to move forward and be better for it. I filed for divorce. We told the kids what was happening, put the house up for sale, and we were in the process of securing new residences.

After arguing on my way home from work, the day he received the divorce papers, my husband met me at the door. He wrapped me in a huge embrace and asked if we could talk. We went to the bedroom for privacy, and for the next half hour, he poured out his heart. I wasn’t having ANY of it. I stood the whole time, with my arms across my chest-totally shut down.

What could possibly be conveyed that would alter my confidence in leaving?? I was so sure of my path. I wasn’t going to be deterred. What could he possibly say that would change my mind?

Nothing. There was nothing HE could say.

BUT GOD.

Somewhere in his impassioned plea I heard a different voice. Distinct. Clear. Loud. As if He were standing right there next to me in that room. And, He was.

“BUT GOD”.

That’s what I heard. And in that moment, I took a step back from the brink of the destruction of my marriage.

You see, I had prayed the whole time. Those 2 years I PRAYED. At first, I prayed…help me fix this. Fix him. Fix me.

Then, I prayed, please show me the right path. Please order my steps.

The last several months, I simply prayed…whatever YOU want Lord. YOUR will. In YOUR time.

After praying all of that, I couldn’t ignore His voice. It would be the same as saying I didn’t believe in prayer; I absolutely do.

At first, I still didn’t want to stay. I was extremely hesitant, honestly. But I had asked to do His will, so I would. It isn’t perfect, but what is? We still have little moments, as any relationship does, but we are different now.

Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. I have learned so much about myself. Who I am in God. The wife I should be. The mother. The friend.

I have learned that we need to communicate so much better than we ever did. We need to be understanding. We need to submit to each other.

Most of all, we need to put God first. Seek him first, and always. I need to look at my husband and see God in him and he needs to see the same in me. Just as I am a woman of God, he is a man of GOD. I need to lean on the other women in my church family; learn from them and let them learn from me. I need to pray…unceasingly.

I know now that my Pastor had it right. We can and will help save marriages. We have been to the brink. We have surrounded ourselves with volatility and disdain, and we made it back.

And in those moments where I doubt or struggle, and there WILL be those moments, I need to remember…BUT GOD.



Good communication is key in a marriage.

November 2019 Article:

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship and marriage is no exception, in fact it must be the “rule” in marriage.


Recently, a friend said to me, “They got a maid.”. I repeated back, “They got a maid?”. He sort of laughed said “No, they got it made!”.


Whoa! It sounded almost the same but the meaning couldn’t have been more different! I was thinking mops and buckets and he wasn’t!


Miscommunications of this type are things that you can laugh about and turn a mistake into a positive thing. How many other mistakes can actually be a positive for everyone?


A simple but effective communication tip is, take the time to repeat a summary of what you just heard. You may to want actually say, “This is what I heard you say…”(and then paraphrase it back to them). Then patiently allow them to agree or disagree with your summary. The act of agreeing with your summary is a second positive!


Now that the other party knows that you ACTUALLY heard them that is the third positive.


Now at this point if the other party is finished, you can ask a reasonable question or respond. In most cases, if it a complicated subject you will want to ask a question(s).


One pastor gave me this advice. When he was upset, instead of responding in haste and regretting it, he would ask questions. You can also use this time to seeks the Lord’s wisdom on how to respond and to get more information which might change your response. As they say in the UK, “Brilliant!”.


Okay maybe now is time to respond or not! At this stage if you asked reasonable questions, and they gave the same courtesy then you know they heard you too. (Now there are five or six positives and everyone is more relaxed. It has been stated by others ratio of 5:1 is positive to negatives is good ratio for effective communication.). If you feel your heart rate going up, take short break of 5 minutes to compose yourself. It is also true that a kind word can turn away a wrath.


Now on to your statements. If the statement is not based on a logical facts, then say “I feel” before you begin to lay out your heart. This lets the other person know this is an opinion (one that you might even change).


If it is a logical statement never say “you always” (this sets up a defensive posture and goes to other persons motivation). It would be better to refer to one recent action that you observed without judgment of their motivation. If the other person gets defensive, ask them to summarize what they heard first. If it is incorrect then explain it again until you both come to an agreement. Again, the act of agreeing, even on small things, is good.


Try to put yourself in the other persons shoes - if I was the other person how would I feel? Can you feel the other persons pain? Don’t be afraid to cry, if that is how you feel. Consider that you, as a mere mortal, you may be wrong. Ask yourself the question will it matter in in 1 week now, 1 year from now, 10 years form now, to gauge the real importance of it.


Finally, let your conversation lead to an action plan (don’t agree if you can’t live up to it).


Practice:

  1. Repeat back what you heard.

  2. Ask good questions before responding.

  3. Give a kind response

  4. Say “ I feel”.

  5. Be empathetic.

  6. Laugh at unintentional misunderstandings.

  7. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

  8. Apologize if you made a mistake.

  1. Speak clearly and confidently.

  2. Create an action plan.


Avoid:

  1. Don’t talk before other is finished.

  2. Don’t go on tangents.

  3. Don’t find fault.

  4. Don’t be defensive.

  5. Don’t say “you always”

  6. Don’t say the other is wrong on their feelings.

  7. Don’t Gaslight or blame-shift.

  8. Don’t quit the dialog until it is resolved-take short break if your heart rate goes up

  9. Do not scream, swear or become unjustifiably angry.

  10. Don’t be incorrigible or repeat things over and over.